Attention, all. Attention, all.
It is with great pleasure
I would like to announce the recipient
of this year's prestigious GE Followship Award
is none other than our very own Liz Lemon.
Wait. How could Liz win a fellowship award?
She doesn't like people.
No, followship, presented annually to the woman...
sorry, person... who best exemplifies a follower.
I'm not a follower.
It also comes with 10 grand.
I accept this proudly on behalf of followers everywhere.
When I think of the free-spirited Liz Lemon
I met just one year ago,
so resistant to product integration,
cross-promotion, and adverlingus,
it pleases me to see how well she's learned to follow.
Ugh, is this because of that GE sketch?
He has a microwave for a head.
But it's such an excellent GE microwave.
You said I didn't have a choice.
What are you gonna do with your money? Put it into a 401?
Yeah, I got to get one of those.
What? Where do you invest your money, Liz?
I have like 12 grand in checking.
Are you an immigrant?
Miss Maroney, I can't believe how fast you lost the weight.
If I can't be Mo'Nique fat, I have to be Teri Hatcher thin.
Either way, you're laughing.
Oh! Oh, no!
My uniform. Sorry.
Let me get that off.
Turn around.
It just needs a little bit of water.
Aah!
Oh, God, it hurts!
You're honestly telling me
you don't know who Rosemary Howard is?
Is she one of the ladies who tried to shoot Gerald Ford?
No! She's the first female writer for "Laugh-ln."
She wrote all the political stuff for "Donny and Marie."
I grew up idolizing her comedy.
Pardon me.
Pardon you?
You were already pardoned.
It's funny 'cause it's true.
Hi. I don't want to sound like a weirdo fan,
but I am obsessed with everything you have ever done.
And I used to make my friends act out your skits the next day.
When I say my friends, I mean my Fisher Price My Friend dolls
because I didn't have a lot of friends.
Oh, boy. Am I still talking?
You're gonna kill me, aren't you?
No. That's... That's great.
Oh, you are great. I...
I grew up wanting to be you.
I grew up wanting to be Samantha Stephens
on "Bewitched."
The closest I got
was being married to a gay guy for two years.
Well, thank you. Um...
You are my heroine.
And by heroine, I mean lady hero.
I don't want to inject you and listen to jazz.
Good Lord.
Are you hungry?
Always.
Well, I'm gonna let you take me to lunch later
and get all this out of your system.
That would be great.
I would love that.
But you're supposed to take me hat shopping.
Hey, Jack.
Could you hold on a second?
If you desecrate something, is that bad?
Tracy, what happened now?
I doubt if anybody noticed.
Who brought stars and bright stars?
To the party last night?
For the rascals we fought?
Who ever knew there were so many words?
It was like a Mos Def CD.
Tracy, it's all right.
You're a star. You can do whatever you want to.
That's your job.
It's our job to make it go away.
I love this country.
You go forth and be crazy.
I think I can manage that.
You can do anything you want to do,
except no dogfighting, okay?
That seems to be the one thing that's off-limits these days.
What's on your mind, Tray?
You've been curiously quiet for 20 minutes.
We got to start doing dogfights.
Dogfighting?
I know it's repulsive and hideous.
But it's the only thing
Jack Donaghy told me I cannot do.
So I got to do it. Understand?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Dogfighting is the most disgusting,
vile thing a human being can do.
You cannot do it!
Dogfighting it is.
Make it happen.
Man, this is Phil Spector's entourage all over again.
And his foot lingered.
Oh, that is such an upsetting story.
Oh, I'll never watch "Happy Days" the same way again.
But, you know, I miss live TV.
It's... It's like sex, you know?
It's almost better when everything goes horribly wrong.
Well, you know, we do hire guest writers every now and then.
I don't know if that's something you would ever be interested in.
That'd be great.
God, I haven't been in that building in so long.
Does everyone still do blow in Joe Garagiola's office?
Which one is blow? Is that cocaine?
Hello. Where's the head page?
You may enter.
You're a machine.
No. I wish.
This is a prop from the classic NBC series "Super Computer."
1975 to 1975.
Look, you obviously know who I am.
But what you don't know
is that I accidentally damaged Kenneth Parcell's page jacket.
Shh. Really?
Mr. Perfect, Mr. Jesus-Loves-Me Parcell
finally messed up?
Do you know how long I've been waiting
to transfer that thumb-head to CNBC in Paramus, New Jersey?
But you can't transfer someone without a demerit.
But now... Oh, boy.
Here's what we're gonna do.
You've probably never seen breasts before,
so I'm gonna lean over this desk,
and you're gonna give me a new page jacket.
Please, I breast-fed till I was 11,
so I've forgotten more about a woman's chest
than you'll ever know.
But I'm on TV.
I said good day.
No, you didn't.
Well, I meant to.
Kenneth Parcell is finished.
Finished!
All right, what's in the news this week, everybody?
Any ideas?
I have an idea.
We open on a New Orleans abortion clinic.
A beautiful mulatto...
I don't think we're allowed to use any of those words.
Why not? It's live television.
I mean, we used to say And
No, you didn't.
Did you? We did. We pushed the envelope.
Remember the mailbox sketch that shocked America?
There's nothing wrong here.
Don't you get it? The mailbox was Haldeman.
Is... Is that a person who lived?
What about race?
I mean, I say that is the last taboo.
We get Josh in blackface, right?
And then we get Tracy to call him a
I'd watch that. - No, no, no.
Uh, you can't do race stuff on TV.
It's too sensitive.
We would have done that on "The Mandrell Sisters."
I-I want the show to be edgy, too.
I mean, but my boss, Jack Donaghy...
Let me talk to him. I am great with suits.
No, no, no. We... We don't talk to him.
We don't do that. Liz!
You're not a cog in their machine.
I know.
I'm not some... follower.
I just... We are very subversive on this show.
Frank, what do you have this week?
Barry the Humping Dog
is shopping for a GE washer and dryer.
I have not seen that before.
Yo, I got the dogs outside.
Well, bring them in.
I feel sick to my stomach about dogfighting,
but what can you do when they tell you not to?
This could get ugly.
What?
No!
You idiots!
I built a dogfighting pit in my basement for this?
Tracy, can I speak with you privately?
Tray, what's the one thing I asked you not to do?
That "227" movie, "New Jackée City"?
Dogfighting.
What is it about your wiring
that compels you to do exactly what you're asked not to?
I don't know. I've always been this way.
Tracy, don't play with matches.
You're not my dad!
Tracy, don't stare directly at the sun. It'll make you crazy.
You're not my dad!
Tracy, you're not going out of the house dressed like that!
You're not my dad!
I'm beginning to think this has something to do with your dad.
You're not my dad!
You can't tell me what it's about!
Hey, props gave me a bunch of dog penises for you to look at.
Oh, great. Thanks.
Liz, your grandmother is in Jack's office.
You better do something. Nana Lemon? That's weird.
Oh. Oh, no. Rosemary.
Oh.
Lemon, Rosemary here was just telling me
some of her fantastic sketch ideas.
Liz, he totally gets it.
He understands that what we do
is far more important than what they do.
I do. I really do get it.
Rosemary, thank you so very much.
My pleasure. What a pleasure.
What fun catching up with you.
You too.
You take care, now. You too.
Fire her.
And don't ever make me talk to a woman that old again.
I can't fire Rosemary.
Yes, you can. It's easy.
Observe.
Jonathan, you're fired.
What?! No! Oh, God, no!
No. I won't fire her. It's mean.
And I like her.
And she's right... We should be pushing the envelope.
Oh, God. "Push the envelope."
You know who uses that phrase?
People who don't have the guts or the brains
to work inside the system...
letter writers, radicals, Howard Dean.
You just don't get her.
You're like the talking mailbox.
I'm going to assume that's a Haldeman reference,
in which case, I thank you.
I got into this business to be like Rosemary,
to make people think.
No. No, no, no, Lemon.
You got into this business because you're funny
and you're weird and you're socially retarded.
And you also got into it because it pays well,
which means you are not like Rosemary.
You are like me.
No, I'm not. You are a suit.
You feed off the creativity and hard work of other people
and turn it into commercials and pie charts and triangle graphs!
What's a triangle graph?
I don't know. It sounded real.
This is my show.
No, this is my show,
and once a week, I rent it out to the good people
at the erectile-dysfunction companies.
Be that as it may, Rosemary is my idol.
And if you want to get rid of her, then you will fire me also.
I'm gonna have to kill myself. Suck it up, nerd.
Oh, my God, Rosemary.
That was such a rush, standing up to Jack like that.
And I never would have done it if it weren't for you.
I am so proud of you.
He heard you roar,
and now things are gonna change around here.
Jack says you're both fired.
Yes!
Hey, Tray.
What you doing?
Just some heavy thinking.
This spotlight is the only place that I can go
to get away from it all.
You know, Tray, I get this dad thing.
I mean, my father belongs
in the Smiling Irish Bastard Hall of Fame,
and the pent-up, unresolved anger I have toward him,
it still overwhelms me.
You've got to learn to forgive.
How do I forgive someone that I don't know?
Boy, if I could just talk to him once, just once.
Tracy, we're gonna do this together.
You've got to get into therapy.
I don't need therapy. I'm just mentally ill.
Tracy, what if I told you that the one thing you cannot do
is therapy?
You're not my dad!
We're doing therapy!
All right, thank you. Goodbye.
Kenneth...
I may have made a mistake.
I was talking to Donnie. Donnie?
Head page Donnie Lawson? The King of Sting?
What did you do?
I was just trying to make things right.
Nice jacket, Parcell.
I hope that it and you will be very unhappy
at CNBC for the next year.
Of course, there is one other choice.
A page-off!
A page-off? What's that?
It's a savage contest
mixing physical stamina with NBC trivia.
"What's a page-off?"
Your monkey's pretty stupid.
You want a page-off, you got it, freak!
Winner take all!
I don't know what corporate mind games he's playing,
but if Jack thinks I'm crawling back there...
Oh, screw him!
Now that you're free, we can work on something together.
Yeah! We can start our own network called Bitch TV.
Or the second idea that we think of.
Look, when we get back to my place,
we'll start banging out some ideas.
Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life.
What neighborhood is this?
They call it Little Chechnya.
It's so gritty and real.
More murders per capita than Detroit.
Try not to write when you're living here.
Is that guy carrying a gun?
Yeah, but don't worry. He's not a cop.
Oh...
Um, hey, Tracy,
this is Suzanne Hocker, the NBC therapist.
Who's crazier? Me or Ann Curry?
Hello, Tracy.
Jack informed me of the talk you had earlier,
and if you don't mind,
I'd like to hop right in and start with some role play.
Like my wife and I do?
Cool. You be the maid. I want you to scream.
Donaghy, you play the matador.
Uh, no, Tracy, what I want you to do
is talk to that empty chair
as if your father were sitting there, okay?
This is stupid.
Come on, Tracy. We're here to help you.
Uh, Tracy, maybe it will help if Jack sits in the chair
and pretends to be your father.
I want to talk to you, son.
You sound nothing like my dad.
Well, where's he from?
All I know is he's from funky North Philly.
He worked in a Campbell's Soup factory,
and he had a droopy lip due to an unattended root canal.
I think I can do this. Okay.
Go.
I'm mad at you, Dad.
Hey, dummy, I'm mad at you, too.
Why you got to act out that way?
Uh, that's not exactly what I...
'Cause you left me, Dad.
I was young and confused,
and your moms didn't want me around no more.
Now, pass me them damn collared greens.
Is that true, Mom?
He gambled away my welfare check.
Woman, I got a mind
to smack you upside the head!
Uh, this is not helpful.
Be me now.
I only act out because I want your love.
Dy-no-mite!
I think we're just doing "Good Times" now.
Now do the white dude that my moms left my dad for.
Now, see here, Tracy,
it's impolite to slurp one's soup.
Whoa, no need to resort to ugly stereotypes.
You're always gonna be my son.
Just because I stopped loving your dad
doesn't mean we stopped loving you.
Stop putting words in my mouth, woman!
Oye, papi. Càllate. People are sleeping!
Mind your own business, Mrs. Rodriguez!
All right, this is ridiculous.
Lady, just because I'm an ignorant black man
and you paid me a nickel to bust up your chifforobe
doesn't give you the right to call me ridiculous
just 'cause I'm proud of my son.
They got me!
The honkies shot me!
No, Dad!
Don't die!
I love you, Dad!
I don't want to dogfight no more!
Tracy, that's it! That's it!
Thank you for showing me there really is love
in my family after all.
And I need to stay the hell away from them.
Donaghy, you're the only family I need, Jackie D.
You got that right, Tray.
You know, it's too bad you didn't know Howard Cosell
when you were growing up, 'cause I had that one in my pocket.
There we are.
Oh, crap-balls! What was that?
Okay, let's find a pen
and start that screenplay.
This movie is gonna knock them on their asses.
Right. Uh, what's it about?
Women in their 50s join the Army
and get laid by a bunch of grateful 18-year-olds.
Oh, God.
Yeah. Exactly.
I predict opening weekend, a million dollars.
Have you been drinking wine all day?
Oh, it's heart healthy.
All day?
Oh, come on, Liz. It's the '90s!
Did an "F" train just go by your window?
I know that look.
Don't even think about jumping for that train.
I think I should... I should go home before it gets dark.
You can't abandon me, Liz.
You are me! No, I'm not you.
Really? You pick up guys that are smart and funny,
and they leave you for someone less complicated.
You're never gonna get married, Liz.
You're married to your job.
Oh, my God, I lost my job.
You're just like me.
You get up in the morning and smoke weed.
No, I don't!
You obsess about the Jamaican man across the hall.
Oh, my God, I lost my job.
You wouldn't have a job if it wasn't for me.
I broke barriers for you.
I really have to go.
I sat around while my junk went bad, all for you.
I didn't have any kids.
You're my kid!
You're my kid that never calls!
Yikes.
Help me, Liz Lemon!
You're my only hope!
Okay, Which NBC series spun off, among others,
"Cosby," "Miami Vice," "Cheers," and "Highway to Heaven"?
"Super Computer."
Oh, you're gonna do great.
Ready.
Come on, Kenneth. You can do it.
Hey!
What the hell is going on down here?
The phones are ringing off the hook.
There's no one seating the "Conan" audience.
Get back to work, you morons!
Pete, wait. You don't understand.
I ruined Kenneth's jacket, and he needs to get a new one
but can't have any demerits, so we had to have a page-off.
What? Are you kidding me?
This is a billion-dollar company.
Demerits?
Donnie, give Kenneth a damn jacket!
This isn't over between us, Maroney.
You're in it now!
Well, it's finally over, Ms. Maroney.
Yes.
And it's hard to even remember how it all began.
You burnt my jacket.
All right, I need my job back, but this is not crawling.
This is proud begging,
like those kids that dance on the subway.
Of course you can have your job back, Lemon.
Oh, thank God. It was terrible.
I went to her apartment. I don't think she has a toilet.
I saw my future, Jack.
Never go with a hippie to a second location.
I can't end up like that.
I have got to make money and save it.
And I have to do that thing that rich people do
where they turn money into more money.
Can you teach me how to do that?
With my eyes closed.
Oh. Good, because I want to send Rosemary $400 a month for...
forever.
You should. That woman is unemployable.
Rosemary says that women become obsolete in this business
when there's no one left that wants to see them naked.
You make enough money, you can pay people to look at you naked.
To the future, Lemon.
Oh, and, by the way,
GE has a problem with the dog-penis sketch.
I'll change it.
Hey, what about cat penises?